How to Have Healthier Disagreements at Work
You may think conflict is bad, but it can actually be an opportunity for growth.
A disagreement with a colleague can actually have the potential to improve your relationship if you keep the conversation respectful and approach it with an open mind. It may sound counterintuitive, but a positive relationship is not necessarily one that is completely conflict-free. Arguing is actually a sign that you are deeply invested in the other person. People generally do not fight with you if they don’t care about you or the relationship.
In healthy relationships, including platonic connections with colleagues, friends, or family members, people approach conflict as a catalyst for positive change, rather than something to avoid. Conflict can an opportunity for two people to actually grow and understand themselves better. Consequently, it is better to see conflict as a catalyst rather than something to avoid.
The science backs this up. A study published in August 2019 in Family Process found, for example, that happily married couples do not argue less than couples in distress, but they do argue differently. Happy couples tend to be good at problem-solving in their disputes, while avoiding “negative and coercive exchanges.” In other words, it is not arguing that is the problem. The problem is really that most of us don’t know how to do it right constructively.
The following tips can be useful for finding ways to argue in a more productive way in any kind of relationship, including those with colleagues, as well as friendships.
1. Start with Respect
Approach your partner (or whomever you’re arguing with) with respect. We all have different life experiences that color what is upsetting to us and what types of arguments make us feel uncomfortable. Setting boundaries — like agreeing to avoid using toxic language, like name-calling — can be helpful in terms of having more productive arguments, because it makes the exchange more likely to stay positive. It is also a way to show respect to the other person even while disagreeing with them.
2. Be Flexible
Recognize that it is hard to be a perfect communicator, or even a constructive one, when you get emotional.
3. Come with an Open Mind
Try not to judge the argument before it has even started. This means setting aside your ego and what you think is right and true. Really listen to your partner when they come to you with a problem or a complaint.
4. Recognize Underlying Pain Points
If you keep getting in the same fight over and over again with a colleague, take some time to think about why. Ask yourself: “What is happening for me? What is happening for the other person?”
Past pain (like from something in childhood or early adulthood) can arise in our everyday communications. That does not mean those feelings are not valid or that your partner should not try to avoid something that they know triggers that pain for you, but recognizing when the fight is not really about what your partner is doing can make those conflicts less emotionally fraught, which in turn makes you more likely to reach a resolution.
5. Share Your Feelings
Begin with what you’re feeling. For example, try sharing: “I feel like you really stepped on my points in the client meeting and it made me feel like you don’t respect my opinion on the matter.”
Keep the facts as objective as possible. And follow that up with what you need or how you would like the other person to resolve the problem.
6. Practice Active Listening
The American Psychological Association defines “active listening” as a psychotherapeutic technique during which the therapist listens to a client closely, asking questions as needed, in order to fully understand the content of the message and the depth of the client’s emotion. The technique can help during arguments with a colleague, partner, friend, or family member, because it forces you to focus on what the other person is saying and where they are coming from — rather than focusing on a defense you might mount.
Accomplish this by listening closely to the other person, even restating what you think they are saying. Try to slow down and not offer your rebuttals right away. Practicing mindfulness can help train your brain to do this better, because it teaches you to focus on the moment or the task at hand.
7. Remember You Are on the Same Team
This is why you are having the argument with the other person in the first place, as opposed to ignoring the problem. It may be difficult at first but try not to assume bad intentions.
8. Hit Pause if Things Get Too Heated
Don’t be afraid to hit the pause button and revisit the conflict at a later time. Maybe you always get into a fight in the morning as you’re going through your tasks for the work day, for example. Ten minutes before leaving work for the day may also be a bad time to try to work out a conflict, because you are already tired. Agree to set a time that is going to work for both of you, and talk through the conflict then.
9. Reach a Resolution
Just because a conflict becomes heated or challenging does not mean you should give up on it. It is okay to take a break if you need a moment to collect your thoughts or if you simply do not have the time to solve the issue at the moment it comes up. But don’t abandon it entirely because it will undoubtedly come up again.
10. Stay Curious
Take a breath and ask yourself: “What is my part here?” Think about what got you so upset in the first place. Why are you in this argument? What triggered you? If you can recognize what bothers you, you’re more likely to find opportunities for personal growth.